Silent Agony
by aBeautifulLiar
Summary: Rachel didn't know when she had become this person who cared about weight, and nothing else. Finn couldn't pinpoint the moment, either, but he did know that if you love someone, you have to let them go... and ignore how much it breaks your heart.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Me no own Glee... me do own this story though! Re-writing some old stories to fit in with my recent obsession with Glee... as I don't like SWAC anymore.**

**A/N: This could be triggering – mentions of self harm and eating disorders. **

Silent Agony

"_I'm sorry, Rachel.. I can't do this anymore. I can't be with you." _

"_Why not?" She looked up at him, confusion evident in her eyes as he looked away,_

"_I love you so much to watch you do this to yourself anymore. It hurts too much."_

"_I-I'm sorry, Finn.. I can try, I can stop.. please don't leave me. I don't know what to do without you." Tears fell down her pale face as she looked at the boy she loved so much, _

"_I can't do this, Rachel.. I love you more than you can ever imagine but I can't sit back and watch you do this to yourself any longer. It's too difficult." _

"_No! Please.." She reaches out to grab his hand as he turns away from her, "Please, I can't do this anymore either. I will try to stop, please don't leave me.. please."_

"_I have to.. for your sake." He shook his head, walking away from her, turning back just once to watch the girl he loved so much cry, her head down, her arms wrapped around herself. He wanted nothing more to go running back to her but instead, he turned back around and ran home. He took one last look, one last glance at the love of his life, before giving up on her and leaving. _

**~ Six Months Earlier ~  
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Silent tears ran down her face as she looked at herself in the mirror, she wasn't supposed to be here. She was supposed to be rehearsing for sectionals right now, but instead she was standing in the bathroom, looking at herself in the small top that exposed her stomach – she was supposed to be wearing it for the performance but instead she was standing there, wondering what it would be like to be as thin as Quinn.

She wasn't sure what had brought on the thoughts about what she looked like, she had never really thought about it too much before – sure, she was vegan, but that was nothing to do with vanity, it was to do with making her body as healthy as she possibly could. She had honestly thought she had nothing to worry about before, but now this was senior year and everything was different, and she wasn't sure if she _looked _good enough to be in New York anymore.

Something had clicked into place for her earlier when Quinn was talking about weight and food, as she looked through a magazine, going on and on about who was thin and who wasn't. It had got to her, and she had no idea why. She could remember just looking at the girl, rolling her eyes and laughing as she thought about Finn and herself – she knew she had lost him once before to Quinn but they were happier than they had been in a long time now. She could never imagine Finn caring about the menial thing of weight, as she sat there watching Quinn poke and prod her stomach in the mirror just moments before as she changed into her own outfit, before leaving.

It was unusual for Rachel; nobody had really said anything about weight or food at home. Her dads just promoted healthy eating, but never mentioned weight loss. She sighed and shook her head, she thought she had always been so proud of her body, hence why she never joined in with Quinn and the other girls when they scrutinized their own flaws. Her body was well looked after, and nobody ever commented on her weight – something she wasn't sure was a good thing or a bad thing. She had never really thought of weight before, but for some reason as she was sitting there, reading a magazine that Quinn had thrown at her in a huff, weight was the only thing on her mind.

_'Is she thinking about my weight and throwing subtle hints my way? Does she wonder why I keep myself out of those conversations? Does she think I'm... fat? Am I not good enough for Finn, in her eyes?' _As quickly as the thoughts had come, she pushed them aside again, telling herself to stop being so stupid. But for some reason, the day the thoughts carried on.

There was no underlying cause for why she began to diet, her friends (well, Glee club members.. family) had mentioned weight before, Kurt and Mercedes had dieted before to the extreme, and she knew the Cheerio's were always on a new diet to lose as much weight as they could. Finn never mentioned weight to her, and when she had asked him about it, he replied with a simple, _"I love you for who you are, not what you look like." _She found herself wondering if it was a compliment or not, and she knew that before the thoughts began, she would have been proud of him for saying such an amazing, romantic thing.

The thoughts just kept coming though, combined with the stress of trying to get into NYADA and doing well in Glee club, the school show and exams, and one day she found herself sitting in front of her laptop, looking for quick weight loss techniques. She spent half the night looking at them when she finally decided she would cut out anything that could be deemed as junk food – she knew she had the occasional bite to eat when she was with Finn mostly, or at a sleepover with Kurt.

"Rachel, are you going to eat that?" Puck asked, watching the girl as she shook her head and stood up, about to walk out of the cafeteria. It was exactly three weeks into her diet and it seemed to be so much more than that, already. She found herself cutting out some of the things she had always ranted on about needing for it to be a healthy died – she was already a vegan so it was easy to get away with most things, but she had now cut out carbohydrates, too.

Quinn shook her head, biting her lip in unusual concern for the girl she hated to admit, she thought of as a friend, "You've not been eating a lot lately." She hesitated before speaking, not really wanting to come across as actually caring about the girl. Rachel just shrugged and sighed,

"I just haven't been feeling well these past few days." _Lie number one of the day. _She flashed her famous show smile and went to turn away, but Quinn was quicker than her, grabbing her arm.

"Are you sure you don't want to eat anything? I know there's not many vegan options here but.."

"Maybe later.. I have emergency food in my locker for moments when the cafeteria doesn't quite live up to my vegan expectations." Quinn smiled and sat back down again, nodding. Puck shook his head in momentary shock as he looked from Quinn to Rachel,

"Just sit down, my American Jewish Princess... Finn should be here soon." She nodded and sat back down, playing with her water bottle. She was scared they had found out about her unhealthy diet – it was just a diet, after all, but she didn't want them to force her to stop. Maybe, she thought, they wanted her to be fatter.

"Rachel, are you okay?" Tina looked up from her own food and looked over at the girl, she just shook her head and stared down at the table, trying to calm her own thoughts down.

"Nothing is wrong, I am perfectly fine.. thank you for asking, Tina." She tried to smile at the girl but was stopped when Mike stared at her,

"You're shaking.. are you cold?" He frowned and looked at the scene in front of him, Rachel just shook her head, surprising herself at the tears that ran down her face. She hadn't even noticed she was crying until Quinn wrapped her arms around her shoulders, the blonde girl ignoring the stares of shock.

It took a moment for Rachel to compose herself, grinning her best show smile at them, "I'm great, honestly.. thank you for all your concern but I am fine.. probably just hormones, you know." She stood up again and continued her smile, "I think I'm going to go the bathroom and sort my make-up out." She laughed a little and walked off before another word could be said.

She was glad to be alone when she got the bathroom, it seemed like it was the first time she got a chance to be alone all day. Lunch period was always the hardest and she had managed to get away with it until today, she sighed and took a look around the bathroom before walking into a stall.

She shut the door behind her and locked it, desperate to get the little food she had ate at lunch – a salad, with plenty of vegetables to keep her going – she stuck her fingers down her throat. Nobody thought she could do this, nobody believed she would care about such a menial thing and that was what kept her going, the fact that everyone was so far behind her in her game, the game she created in her own head, the game nobody was taking part in yet.. except for her, of course.

When she was done she stepped out of the bathroom stall, she looked in the bathroom mirror – her face was red with tears dripping down her face and bits of vomit in her hair. She took one hard look at the girl in the mirror and wondered what happened to Rachel Berry, hardly recognising the girl in the mirror. She shook her head and fell to the floor as sobs overtake her fragile body.

"Are you okay?" She looked up to see Quinn, panicking for a moment, wondering how long she had been there, how much she had heard. "Yeah, I'm absolutely fine.. just.. well, I said it before.. stupid hormones." She laughed a little, standing up, not turning to look at the girl as she turned to scrub her face to get rid of any vomit or tear traces. She fumbled around, looking for make-up, dabbing it on when she finally found some. She looked in the mirror again, ignoring the way Quinn stared at her.

She finally put on her show smile and turned to look at the other girl in the room, "Are you okay, Rachel?"

"I'm great, thank you."

"You can tell me if anything is wrong, Rachel.. I know I haven't exactly been your best friend, or even your friend but.. you've always been here for me." Rachel grinned as best she could before nodding and making her way out of the bathroom.

She smiled at herself as she walked away, strangely proud of herself; the secrecy, the lies and all the control she felt. She didn't know who she had become but at the same time, she loved it. She hated looking in the mirror and breaking down but she loved how she felt at the end of the day. In a way, every single time she went without food, she felt an almost high, like she was doing something _good, _something right, something worthwhile. Life was in her control, and if she didn't get into her college of choice, at least she knew she controlled something.

Rachel sighed when she got home to an empty house, walking upstairs slowly before going to her bedroom to look in the mirror. She slowly lifted up her shirt, holding all her fat in her hands – to someone looking at the scene in front of them, they would see a girl wasting away, not an inch of fat ever existed on her small body but to Rachel, there was more fat on her body than anyone could ever imagine.

She imagined cutting it off with a large knife and then it occurred to her.. she needed to be punished for almost getting caught earlier in the day. She needed to be punished for the weakness, she bit her lip as she looked around, her eyes finally setting on scissors that sat on her dressing table. She ran into the bathroom, scared someone would walk in – even though nobody was ever home.

She sat down on the toilet, sighing before digging the scissors deep into her bare legs, dragging it in a neat line across her skin. She watched the blood drip down and smiled a little, now she would think twice before letting herself get into that predicament ever again. She looked once more at her leg before pulling her skirt back down, making a note to herself to hide this all a lot better. People were onto her.. they were going to try and take part in her game, trying to compete with her, they were going to try and stop her. She shook her head as she walked back to the mirror, she wouldn't let them catch up to her.

She thought about all the excuses she made over the past few weeks alone, looking forward to the rest about to come. Alone with the lies and deceit, and in a way, she looked forward to it. She enjoyed it. She jumped back from the mirror as her phone rang, grinning when she saw the name pop up on her phone, "Hey!"

"Hey, babe." She almost melted at the sound of his voice on the other end of the phone,

"How are you?" She asked, sitting down on her bed, "I'm great thanks.. how about you?"

"I'm amazing.. thank you." She smiled once again, glancing at the mirror. Deep down she really wanted to burst into tears, _No Finn, please help me. I can't do this.. it's getting too hard already. _But she didn't and she couldn't, she wanted to stay strong. After all, the game was only just beginning.

"Want to go out somewhere? For a movie or something?" Finn asked,

"Yeah.. meet you outside in ten." They said their goodbyes before hanging up. She put her phone on the side and looked around her bedroom, she finally settled – after much debate – to wear a pair of jeans and a baggy top. She grinned at herself in the mirror, trying to practise her 'normal Rachel Berry' routine before going outside to her boyfriend.

"Hey!" She shouted at him when he got to her door, he grinned at her before kissing her gently on the lips and opened the car door for her. She thanked him, kissing his cheek before getting in, watching him get in the other side to drive away.

She walked into his house after a while, following him into the kitchen, "Are you hungry?"

"No, I ate loads at lunch and daddy will have probably been in the kitchen again, so there will be a buffet awaiting me when I get home." She laughed and sat down as he made himself a sandwich,

"Do you promise?" He whispered to her, kissing her forehead, smiling a little as he carried on making his own food. She nodded, suddenly terrified that something was wrong, biting down on her lip as hard as she could. "You've lost some weight recently..." He tried to shrug it off, despite the bad feeling he had.

"Really? I never really noticed, I've been so busy." She shifted in her seat and bit down on her lip again, hoping he would believe her. She noticed the concern in his eyes and she grinned widely, standing up to wrap her arms around his neck to look into his eyes. "I promise I am eating, Finn, you can ask my dads if you don't believe me." She smiled when he seemed satisfied with her answer,

"As long are you're okay then." Rachel nodded and looked around, wondering why he brought her to the house, "Do you want to watch a DVD?" He finally said, as though he read her mind and she nodded as he grabbed her hand to lead her into the sitting room. "So, Die Hard One or Two?" He grinned at her, noticing the horror on her face, "I'm just messing, pick whatever you want."

She laughed and put 'Rent' in, Finn wrapped his arms around her as they both sat down, pushing her back onto the couch. He kissed her gently on the lips before she could get him off of her, she just giggled at the gesture and pushed him away gently. "As romantic as this is, Finn.. your parents or Kurt could walk in at any second." He just laughed before kissing her again and pulling away completely.

Halfway through the movie she realized Finn was staring at her instead of watching the screen, making her increasingly uncomfortable before turning to him, "What are you staring at?" She whispered, wondering if he was looking at her and realizing he was too good for someone like her.

"You." He shrugged; he had started to notice something different about her lately, the way she always seemed to wear baggy clothes lately, to cover herself up.

"C-can I ask.. why?" She took a deep breath, preparing herself for the blow she was convinced was about to come, Finn realized how uncomfortable she was beginning to get, her arms wrapped around herself as she nibbled on her lower lip.

"You are just.. so beautiful. Never forget that, okay?" He pulled her arms from around herself, lifting her head up to meet his eyes, kissing her gently, "Thank you." She whispered when he pulled away.

_Ignore him, he doesn't mean it, he will never mean it. You are not beautiful, you are ugly. You will never be good enough for him, you are not like the other girls he has dated – you're not like Quinn. You're the one he feels sorry for, you have to change if you want to stay with him, if you ever want him to love you. You have to be beautiful and thin, you have to be everything you're not. Change Rachel, don't you want to be just like Quinn? Just like the other girls?_

Rachel broke away from the kiss as she heard the voice she had been hearing for a few days now, she had no idea what it was or why it came about. She had been able to push it to the back of her mind before, but now it seemed to be the only thing she could think of. She couldn't tell anyone about it though – they all thought she was crazy already, this would only confirm that. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing is wrong. Why would anything be wrong?" She looked at him as though she was about to cry and she knew Finn had noticed before she could hide it. "Did I do something wrong?" He asked, and not for the first time, she noticed that uncertainty in his eyes, and she heard it in his voice.

"No.. why does everything have to be about you?" She shouted at him, seeing the hurt in his eyes the moment the words came out, "I-I'm sorry." She whispered, looking down, "I'm so sorry." She started to cry, feeling his arms around her as she put her head in her hands, trying to stop herself as she heard the voice once more.

_No, don't cry, not in front of him. You have to wait until no one is around, do you want him to find out and stop you? Do you want to get caught? Do you? Are you stupid? They will stop us! They will ruin us, they will break your control and they will make you eat everything. You will get fatter, and this weight you've lost recently will come back. Do you want to achieve pure perfection, Rachel? They are jealous of you and your control, do you want me to go away? Because that is what will happen if they find out, they will take me away from you and you will be all alone. _

Rachel quickly wiped the tears away and smiled, "Sorry.. I'm fine. Honestly." She tried to laugh it off, knowing he wasn't fooled.

"I'm so worried about you.." He whispered, holding her until she pulled away again,

"Don't be.. I just.. don't.. why can't you leave me alone? I'm fine. Nothing is wrong with me!" She ran as fast as she could from him and his unwanted pity, she didn't need him anyway, she didn't need anyone.

_Nothing, nothing is wrong and asking is against the rules, crying is against the rules. You're strong, don't let them break you. They are trying to destroy you. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Me no own Glee... **

**A/N: This fiction will be very triggering; the italics are the 'voice' of anorexia, and this is completely based on my own experience with the disease; so please take this into account before reading the italics! **

Finn walked into the choir room, after having called a meeting with the club, walking to stand in front of them. "I need your help." He looked at them all, shaking his head as he told them everything that had happened last night with Rachel, what she had said to him, what she had looked like. "Did she eat yesterday at lunch?"

Quinn shook her head, biting down on her lip, "She wouldn't eat at first.. she nibbled at some salad.. said she was just cutting some stuff out.. she was stressed.. I-I um.." She sighed, "I heard her throwing up in the bathroom.. when she came out, she looked terrible but I didn't say anything to her just in case.. But I don't know.."

"I don't understand.. how did this happen in such a short amount of time?" Puck wrinkled his nose as he thought about the past few weeks and how _strange _Rachel had been acting lately. He was confused about how this could happen to someone, especially his American Jewish Princess.

"Wait.. what? You think she.. made herself sick?" Finn was still staring at Quinn, taking ages to process the information she had given him, as his heart dropped at the thought of his suspicions being true – he had spent the night on google, trying to decide what was wrong with his girlfriend.

"I should have said something.. I could have stopped her."

Finn frowned and shook his head, "No.. she.. I just, we've discovered this in time, right? I mean.. it's only been almost a month since she began acting like this. We can pull her from this before it gets worse." Finn sank down on his chair, putting his head on his hands as he tried to think about what he could possibly do.

"What do we do?" He finally looked up to face his friends – his _family – _as they all shook their heads, all of them unsure.

"Nothing yet.." Quinn finally whispered,

"Nothing?" He stood up, making his seat fly backwards, hitting the floor with a loud bang, his fist clenched as he glared at the girl, "There's no way in hell we're allowing this to continue, she'll end up killing herself! I'm not losing her, no." He shouted at them, not even realizing they weren't even looking at him.

"F-Finn." Tina murmured, her eyes avoiding his, her eyes glued instead to the person standing behind him. He slowly turned, already knowing who was behind him, "Rachel.. I'm so sorry." The girl shook her head, tears running down her face as she took a few steps back, aware everyone was staring at her. And then she turned and ran out of there as fast as she could.

"What the fuck do we do now?" Finn sighed, closing his eyes for a moment as he tried to think about the Rachel he loved so much. He turned towards Quinn – she seemed to understand the most, even if her and Rachel weren't the best of friends.

"I'll try and talk to her.. I think I know where she will go. She'll be okay, Finn.." She patted his shoulder awkwardly, still keeping a distance between them before she walked out to find the other girl. Her hunch had been correct – backstage in the auditorium, Rachel was curled up in a tight ball, sobbing.

"Tell me what's wrong, please, Rachel."

"Nothing, what do you care?" She whispered, trying to wipe away the tears, only for more to come running down her face, "I'm sorry.." She bit down on her lip after snapping at the girl, "I really am but.. I don't need help." Quinn did something then that neither of them expected, she walked up to the shaking girl and wrapped her arms tight around her.

_And now they know, they're playing the game now, they're part of this and they want to stop you. She's telling you she won't, but she will. You can't trust her, you can't trust anyone anymore. Look at what Finn did, he ran straight to them – and why? Because he knew that would get to you more than anything, he know they can stop you.. stop us! You're going to lose me, tell her anything then I will be gone forever. She wants to know our secrets, but she will never know.. she will never fully understand. I know she wants to help, but the moment you're okay again, this will be around the school quicker than you could ever imagine. _

"Just leave me alone.. nothing is going on." She pushed away the girl, wrapping her arms around herself, feeling trapped.

"No.. I know we're not good friends, but I still care about you, Rachel.. as much as it kills me to admit that, I can't watch yourself do this."

"I'm fine."

"I wish I could truly believe that." Quinn shook her head, wishing she could go back to not caring about the other girl, it would be so much easier. "Rachel.. you're bleeding." She finally said, after a few moments of silence, not hesitating to roll up the girls sleeve at the sight of the blood. Rachel didn't even pull away, she just sat there not moving, staring ahead of her, not even flinching at the sharp gasp coming from Quinn when she saw the deep cut, "Oh fuck.. Rachel, look at me.. Rachel!" She forced the girl to look at her,

"Please, explain to me."

"Not allowed." The girl could only murmur, ignoring the desperation in the blonde's voice, looking away to curl up into a ball once more, refusing to look at her again. "Tell me why you're starving yourself, you can die.. you know that, right? I thought you wanted to go to New York. Just answer me, Rachel."

She wrapped her arms around the girl, sighing, "I'm scared." She finally whispered, after what seemed like the longest time, "I'm scared of getting fat, of losing control, of losing Finn, of leaving Lima... I'm scared I won't get into NYADA, I'm scared I'm not good enough for Broadway.. I'm scared that none of my dreams will come true. And now, I'm too scared to eat anymore.. I don't know what happened, as you know I've always been conscious of my diet as I am a strict vegan but now it's so much more. I actually feel like I can control _something._"

"W-when did you stop eating, altogether?"

"I don't know.. I woke up one morning and decided.."

"It's not that simple, Rachel." Quinn shook her head, remembering the amount of pressure she had felt as head cheerleader, the amount of times she had starved herself under Sue's request and how difficult she had found it.

"It is, though.. once you decide you're not going to eat.. there's no more decisions to make. I made that choice and now there is no going back." Rachel was in a trance-like state, scaring Quinn as she looked at the girl, the deep cut on her arm only increasing the amount of fear she felt for her.

"You're hurting yourself.. you're suffering.. w-we think you have the.. beginning of an Eating Disorder.. if you get help now, it'll be so much better than deciding you want help in a few months."

"I don't.. I'm fine. I'm not suffering.. I enjoy this, I don't have an eating disorder, I'm not thin enough, anyone can see that." She smiled, nodding in pride at her own explanation,

"We all see you wasting away, anybody can see that.. just.. just grow up!" Quinn stood up, tears running down her face as she walked over to the other side, away from Rachel, "Don't you care what you are doing to us? To Finn?" She cried, turning around only to see Rachel curled up in a tight ball again, "Oh shit.. I'm sorry. I'm worried about you.. I didn't mean to shout."

"I'm so sorry..." She whispered as she walked back to the girl, about to put her arm around her, only to be pushed away, "No.. I didn't mean..." She sighed, clueless as to what she could do now.

_Ignore her. You let her know but I will forgive you, just this once though. There was no way out this time but next time, you will have to get clever. They can't stop us, she doesn't know what to do. None of them will ever understand, they're jealous.. especially Quinn, she is so jealous of the control you are making for yourself. You are losing weight and they will get fatter. I would hate to be them right now, just jealous of what we have, you have something they don't – control. Our bond can never be broken, you can make the choice right now though, do you want to be 'normal' like everyone else? Or do you want to be exceptional?_

_Which one, Rachel? I know which one, I know what you need. Remember that.. I am the only one who understands you, I know what you are going through, I will be here all the time. _

_Starvation is control, control is tough, bones are beautiful when thin just isn't enough. _

_Just remember, you will never get there by making pathetic excuses, you won't get there if you keep getting pressured into eating. You will only get there by listening to me; only by allowing the hunger to continue, exercise. You won't get there by imagining it, you will do this, you can do this. They don't think so but I know so. Now go, leave her, stop seeing them, stop seeing him, dump him! And your silly friends, your stupid Glee club. _

_I am the one making decisions right now, make sure you remember that. _

Rachel looked up, standing up quickly, "I'm sorry." She whispered, pushing past the girl before running away. Everyone had found out her secret, and now she had to be careful. She ran all the way home from the school, not daring to look behind her in the fear one of them had followed her. 

"Hey," Her dad – Hiram – greeted her as she ran through the door of the house they shared with her daddy – Leroy. Rachel looked up at him, noticing the concern in his arms. It broke her heart to see what she was doing to everyone, she didn't want to do this but it was something she had to do, it was out of her control now – she couldn't stop. She smiled at her dad the best she could and ran over to him, kissing his cheek gently before running to her bedroom. She wanted to let him know that she would be okay, she would be good enough one day, so she turned around quickly,

"I love you, dad."

"I love you too, Rachel." He whispered, smiling at her, watching his daughter walk into her bedroom before closing the door behind her. She slid down the door, tears falling quickly down her face as she wrapped her arms around herself. She had that horrible feeling of being watched, even though she knew nobody was there, it was a feeling that followed her all the time, the feeling that someone was behind her. She hated it so much, she wanted to be perfect, she wanted to be strong, she wanted to be the girl who got all her dreams.

She sighed and stood up, wiping her tears before looking at the mirror;

_Look at yourself, take one hard look at yourself. You are not good enough yet. You are pathetic, Rachel. I mean, come on.. caught after one month? What the hell is wrong with you? You are not perfect, nor will you ever be, they all know now.. soon enough everyone will know and they will laugh at you while forcing you to eat. They say they are concerned about you, about your health but Rachel.. they want to control you. Everything will be lost, they are going to pin you down and force feed you with their lies, with what they deem to be love. _

Rachel couldn't take it anymore, breaking down as she heard the voice; she didn't understand what was going on, she was too scared to understand. The voice frightened her, making her do stuff she wasn't too sure she wanted to do. The truth was, the only truth that Rachel fully understood was that she is scared. She has always been scared. She was scared when her dads split up that one time – they had gotten back together a year or so later – but she had been scared at the fact her daddy had no control over the fact her dad left him, leaving him for a job. Neither of them had any control over him coming back.

Everything from then on had never been the same, even after they made up and became the loving couple they once were. She wanted to be like everyone else, her whole life in school had been her trying to fit in, until she got to high school and just gave up, but she still longed to be a part of something, to have friends. She wanted to one day be able to look in magazines, and the internet and be proud of herself, to have people point out the nice things about her. She shook her head and sighed, deep down she always cared about what people thought of her.

She walked over to her bed, sighing as she slipped a hand under her cushion, pulling out the shiny knife. She loved the feeling of it sliding across her skin, the sight of her own blood. It made everything real, let her know she was alive.

_Do it, Rachel.. you've been such a bad girl today. You betrayed me and yourself, you let people in, you let people know! Punish yourself! You know you want to, you know you have to. _

Rachel nodded, smiling as she dragged it across her wrist, "Are you happy now?" She whispered into the empty room, tears trailing down her pale cheeks, leaving a mark of despair and hurt. She knew that the voice would be happy now, so she lay back on her bed and watched the blood drip down. The world was getting darker by the second, voices could be heard in the distance but then they went away and soon it was just her.

Then she saw someone just in reach, touching her shoulder lightly, gasping a little at the sight. She immediately knew who the little girl was – the owner of the voice, at last had a face. She was just a young girl, with long hair that reached her hips. She was so tiny and fragile, her eyes were big and brown, and they widened as she stared back at the girl who's mind she had inhabited for the past month.

Rachel couldn't help but notice the natural beauty coming from the girl, her sparkling eyes as she grinned, showing how happy she was. She held her hand out for Rachel, who gladly took it, both of them smiling. This was what true happiness felt like, Rachel told herself.

_Why can't they realize our strength, Rachel? How much it is going to take, and how much it has taken, to make so little of yourself?_

_I am not letting you go just yet, we're not good enough yet. Let's starve right down to the bone, you're starting to look a little better already.. who needs a figure anyway? No, stay with me, please don't leave me, I can't do this on my own. I need you just as you need me. Stay with me so I can dig my nails deep into your skull, it feels better without control, I am the one in control now Rachel, no use trying to deny it now. I am part of you now and it will remain this way. _

_You're looking better my blurry angel, who needs to be clean when this world is so dirty anyway? I will keep you warm, I will keep you safe, stay with me. _

~ .. ~

"Mr Shue, may I speak with you for a moment?" Quinn walked into his office without knocking, knowing there was no time for that as she sat down quickly without waiting for an answer. She knew Rachel would hate her for this but she had to do it, it's not as though their relationship could get any worse than it already was anyway.

"Sure, what is it?" He looked up at her, putting down the paper he held in front of him,

"I need your help.. well not me, but.. Rachel does." She took a deep breath, not completely sure what to say next, hoping the teacher and their Glee leader would know what to do,

"What about her?" She could see the growing concern in his eyes, Mr Shue spent a lot of time with all of them, and she knew they had all become one huge family over the past three years. "I don't know how to help her, I have tried but she ran away from me. I don't know what to do.."

"Is this to do with her sudden weight loss?" Mr Shue had noticed the girl becoming more and more withdrawn as the weeks went by, asking for less solo's, not mentioning sectionals for once.

"She won't eat.. and when she did nibble something the other day, I heard her throwing it back up.. it's been a month, so I think we have caught this in time.. but then when I went to help her today, she had a cut on her arm and it was bleeding a lot.. I don't know what to do, I was hoping you would."

Mr Shue nodded, "Come on, we can go to her home and see if she is okay, and make sure her dads know what is going on before this gets any worse."

~ .. ~

"Rachel, are you in there?" Leroy knocked on his daughters bedroom door, slowly getting more worried about her. He had noticed the abnormal behaviour recently and had been wishing the girl would just tell him what was wrong because he had no idea what to do. There was no answer again, and he turned around to shrug at his husband – both of them assuming she was just asleep or something. They had all set up certain boundaries, they knew not to disturb each other when they wanted or needed privacy. So, they both shook the bad feeling they had, fighting the urge to run into the room and check on their only child.

Hiram was about to go knock again, walking past Leroy when the doorbell rang. They both sighed, and went to answer it together, smiling when they saw the familiar Glee club director standing on their doorstep with one of the girls from Glee. "Is Rachel here?" He asked softly,

"She won't come out of her bedroom.. she won't answer either of us." Leroy put a hand on his husbands back and sighed,

"It's okay, I will go check on her." Quinn smiled gently, leaving Mr Shue alone with the two to explain what was happening. She knocked lightly, waiting for an answer, turning around to shake her head at the three men who were waiting at the bottom of the stairs. She put her hand on the doorknob, suddenly feeling more worried than she had been on the drive here, had she run away? Or something worse? Then again, she told herself, she could just be sleeping.

She gasped as she entered the room, "Oh my God, Rachel? Answer me please.." She ran up to the tiny girl laying on the bed in the large room, blood dripping from a deep cut on her wrist. She heard the three men come into the room, and sobbing from the two dads as they held each other. She grabbed the girl, shaking her before feeling for a pulse – thanking God that there was a pulse.

She stared at the girl she held in her arms, hearing someone in the background on the phone, not really paying attention until she heard him shout for them to hurry up. Hiram and Leroy found themselves frozen, both of them in shock as tears ran down their face. They had both realized how different she had looked lately, but they had no idea how lost she was. If they were honest, Rachel would have been the last person they thought capable of doing this. She was so strong, she was the one who never broke down and cried, the one who would do anything to make other people smile.

They found themselves wondering what happened to make her this way, why she did this to herself. Neither of them able to stop blaming themselves, they should have noticed, they should have said something – they could have stopped this.

It all happened so quickly, the paramedics rushed in and checked her over before rushing her back out into the back of the ambulance. The dads climbed in with her, as Mr Shue and Quinn told them they would follow behind in the car. Leroy clung into his daughters hand, trying to think what could have happened to her, he understood this wouldn't have come out of nowhere, something must have happened. People don't just change so much overnight.

"I have to phone Finn." Quinn whispered as the ambulance drove away, getting into the car and grabbing her phone, she felt numb inside as the dialed the number. She didn't know what do, could they even trust Rachel? Was she going to continue anyway?

Mr Shue bit his lip and sighed as he drove, listening to Quinn trying her best to explain to Finn what had happened, he heard the boy crying on the other end before they ended the call. "He said he's on his way." Quinn finally managed to say as she stared down on the phone,

"Good.. Rachel would want him there."

"Should I phone everyone?" She looked at her teacher, tears falling down her face as she looked down at the phone in her hand again,

"Just send them a text, I don't think either of us are up to explaining it again." Quinn just nodded, putting her head in her hands as she looked out the window, wondering if Rachel would be okay. She didn't know what to say to the rest of the people in Glee – how do you tell someone that one of their friends, their fellow Glee club member had tried to kill herself?

She sighed, slowly typing out the words on the screen, tears coming down her face as she looked at the words before pressing send.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: See last chapters. **

"**And all your dreams are made when you're chained to your mirror with a razor blade."**

Rachel could hear voices in the distance, not wanting the darkness to go away. She wondered if she could stay there forever, it was a lot better than anywhere else she had been before, there was nobody to judge her, nobody to make her do what she didn't want to. _It's not your time yet, you have to go back. One day soon though, I promise you. _Rachel smiled at the girl in front of her and thanked her, she only wished that one day would come sooner rather than later – she didn't want to go back to reality.

She sighed, they would all hate her now, now they would all know what she did, what she had done. None of them are going to let her be happy, they will force her to become the girl they all love to hate, they were going to make her fat. Rachel didn't want to be that girl anymore, she wanted to live like this for however long her life might be, the other Rachel would never have been so irresponsible_, _she would never have wanted to let anyone down. But this Rachel, she would always be in control, she would always have time for exercise, she would always try her hardest and would actually succeed.

Slowly, light took over the darkness and she opened her eyes and as she looked around, she realized for the first time what she had done, and where she was." Oh thank God, you're awake." She looked up to see one of her dads run towards her and take her in his arms. Rachel shook her head, pushing her dad away and turning to look the other way. She didn't _deserve _any love, any attention. She was a bad person, she was selfish.

"All your friends are still here.. they're waiting for you to wake up." Leroy spoke up, moving to her beside too. Rachel could hear the pain in his voice, _don't mistake that for pain, it's hate._

"Good for them." She said numbly, not even turning to look at them. She didn't want to be alive, she didn't want to see anyone, she didn't want anyone to see her. She wondered who found her and what happened when they did. She sighed, wondering if Finn was one of the "friends" waiting for her, and then as if he had read her mind, Hiram looked at her,

"Finn is out there.. he really wants to see you."

"Where's Finn?" Rachel whispered, not noticing the way her dads nodded at each other, one of them leaving to get the boy, both of them terrified at how scared Rachel sounded. Finn took small steps into the room, watching both of the dads leave together, holding each other close as they went to cry in privacy. He wanted to know why she did it, why she wouldn't talk to him about it.

He looked at her laying on the bed, her skin almost as pale as the hospital sheets she was huddled in. He took a deep breath before walking to her, kissing her lightly on the forehead, "I'm so glad you're okay." He whispered, trying to stop himself from crying.

"I'm fine." She sounded so fake, so numb.

"No you're not, tell me the truth." She shook her head and bit down on her lip,

"I am, I am truly sorry for what I did, I didn't know it would get this far." She looked down at her hands as Finn sighed; Rachel, the love of his life, his everything.. was hurting herself and she didn't really seem to care. After a few moments of silence between the two, Finn finally turned her face to look at him.

"Everything was amazing up until now, remember? It was like a fairytale this time around, our very own fairytale." She shrugged, "Life's not a fairytale, Finn.. it's not perfect." He nodded, slowly taking his hand from hers before stepping away.

"I'm sorry, Rachel.. I can't do this right now." She looked up at him, and for the first time he noticed the pain in her face, how vulnerable she looked. "P-please don't leave me.." He shook his head, walking back towards her, knowing he loved her too much to leave her alone, not when she was like this.

"I won't.. I just some time alone. Quinn wanted to speak to you.. I just need a coffee and some air, I will be back soon, I promise." He quickly walked out, nodding at Quinn as she got up and walked in with Mr Shue not too far behind her.

_He will leave you very soon, he doesn't want or need a stupid, fat girl like you. He can't handle the control we have, he doesn't want us. He wants the fat girlfriend back again, not because he likes but because he will always look better than you. You're no longer that little girl stuck in some fairytale fantasy, you're a real girl in the real world. You've grown up, life is not happy, it's miserable and everyone will keep hurting you. _

"Rachel.. why?" Quinn came stumbling in, running to the girls beside, she just shrugged and looked at Mr Shue and her dads.

"Do you hate me too?"

"We could never hate you." Leroy held his husbands hand as they both shook their heads and looked down at the floor, both of them holding back the tears about to fall.

"We're going to help you through this." Mr Shue smiled at her,

Quinn sighed, "I've never hated you.. I've been jealous of you, yes.. I've been a bitch to you, too but I have never hated you. I hate what you've become though."

"How can you hate something I love?"

Leroy walked over to his daughter and frowned, "It's hurting you, honey.. you need help." Rachel nodded, murmuring an agreement, not missing the grins on their faces.

"Really?" Quinn whispered, smiling at the other girl. Rachel looked up, noticing how happy one word had made her... maybe they were all trying to help her after all. _No, that's what they want you to think! It's not true, Rachel, don't you dare let them win. _

"Yeah."

"Good, I'm so happy honey.. I thought you would fight us on this. It will all be okay soon, you will see." Hiram nodded and kissed the side of her head, smiling.

~ .. ~

"It's hard to describe.. I don't know."

"Well, just try Rachel, I know you can do this." Rachel took a deep breath and tried to think of the words, biting her lip as she tried to think of something to say,

"I don't know.. it's like there's this feeling deep inside of me, a voice.. and she is always there to guide me. She tells me what to do, what to eat and how to live my life and when I close my eyes, I see her. She's everywhere.. in my heart and my soul. She is leading me to my ultimate goal."

"And what is that?"

"To have control."

"And do you have control now?"

"Sometimes..."

"You listen to this voice all the time, am I correct?" Rachel just nodded, getting easily bored of this conversation, wishing she could be at home, counting calories or something but instead she was stuck here with someone who would never understand. "So you do what the voice wants, not what you want."

"I guess.. but I want it as well."

"Do you truly?"

Anger flared up in the girls eyes as she glared at the woman in front of her, "Yes." She replied, defensive of her own thoughts and beliefs. "Of course I do, I want everything she does."

"She is the only one in control, she is controlling you.. and the more you listen to her and give her what she wants, the more she is going to carry on telling you how to live.. and in the end, she will end up killing you."

Rachel just shrugged her off, looking around, "It doesn't matter, I'm better off dead anyway. And she is not in control, I am. She is just here to help me." She rolled her eyes, looking out of the window on the other side of the room,

"And how do _you_ feel today, Rachel?"

"I am fine, thank you for asking." She couldn't believe she was here, she didn't belong here, she didn't want to be here. She doesn't want to talk about this. She could hear the voice shouting at her to just get up and leave but she couldn't. She knew her dads and Mr Shue were on the other side, and she would only be forced to go straight back in. Quinn would hate her (_since when did I start caring about her, _she thought to herself) and so would everyone else. And what about Mr Shue? He invested a lot of time in getting her here, even planning Glee around this.

"Tell me the truth, how do you really feel?"

"I don't know... tired, I guess. I am sick and tired of being a nobody." She looked up at the psychologist to see the woman's reaction towards her first honest answer since she got here, but there was no change in the woman's face, she wasn't even taken back. She sighed, "This really isn't helping me."

"That's because you don't want this to help you, you are the only one who can decide if this will help or not. Once you start to believe in yourself again, we can work on you being here." Rachel shook her head,

"I don't have anything to recover from."

"Give it time, you might change your mind about that one day." _Just try your hardest to perfect your explanations, just lie until they run out of questions. _Rachel smiled and nodded a little,

"Sure, I guess I can give this time.. maybe one day I can be normal again." _So many lies swirling around you, you're suffocating. The empty shape in you steals your breath, you're suffocating. _"See you next week then." Rachel said as she looked up at the clock, doing her best show smile as she got up and walked to the door.

"If you carry on losing weight, Rachel, we will have to sign you in as an inpatient." Rachel smiled, to cover up the tears forming in her eyes, and the way her heart seemed to beat harder against her chest,

"I won't lose any more then." _And even as your eyes fill with tears, swear to me you will not cry. _

~ .. ~

It had been four months since Rachel had begun 'dieting' and things never seemed to get any better. The threat from the psychologist only stopped her going to the woman at all, she refused to leave her bedroom and stopped letting anyone see her – especially Finn, Quinn, Kurt and Mr Shue. She knew what they would say and do, they want her to be fat but she won't listen to anyone anymore.

She looked in the mirror again, hopping onto the scales, dreading to look as what was about to come. The numbers that would determine whether or not she allowed herself to eat a salad today, she closed her eyes, taking one deep breath, trying to build up courage to look. Finally, she opened them, her blue eyes glazed with tears as she looked down at the numbers.

_Eighty-six pounds. Six stone and one whole pound of fat; you're getting better, I mean.. that's two stone you've lost? In four months? Yeah, that could be better, you could always do better. We need to do exercise now, no food today or tomorrow, nothing at all. Yeah, that's what we shall do.. we will carry on like this, we're not good enough yet. Let's see... we'll go for a jog tonight, a long run.. and then an extra five hundred crunches.. it will be okay. I promise you that it will be okay.. we will be thin.. we will be good enough. _

"I hate you." Rachel whispered into the empty room, she was never sure who she was speaking to – herself or the voice. If she thought about, she hated both, she hated herself for being so weak, she hated herself because this had become her life from now on, when did she stop caring about everything and everyone? She tried to remember the person she was five months ago, before this began, it seemed like someone else, a lifetime away. A different person who had different friends, had different dreams.. different talents. She could hardly remember that girl, she was just a shadow of her former self, someone not even she could understand.

She wondered when it stopped being about control and became about perfection, when it stopped being about what everyone else thought of her, and about the numbers. Nothing else mattered as long as the numbers were going down, her whole self worth depended on what the scales said. She wasn't supposed to end up this way, she never cared about weight, she had cared about health and deep down, (very, very deep down) Rachel knew this was unhealthy. She couldn't help but think this wasn't who she was, it should never have gotten so far.

_STOP IT! Just... stop it! Don't do this again, do not try and wish me away. You need me and you want me, you are who you are because this was meant to be. People change.. grow up, Rachel. _

Rachel nodded, wiping away the tears that found their way down her pale face. She knew the voice was right, people change. And yes, she had to grow up, just like everyone else has to.

_Fat. Fat. Fat. _

_Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. _

_Worthless. Worthless. WORTHLESS! _

She took no time in getting out of the knife, she had been doing it since she got out of the hospital but she knew not to go that far again, not yet, not until the voice told her it was her time. She just needed to stop feeling so numb, she wanted to be able to feel something, even if it was more pain. It felt good to know she was alive, she was still there and somewhere deep down, she was still Rachel Berry.

She looked up from the bleeding cut when the door knocked, "Hang on!" She hid the knife quickly, wrapping her arm up before yanking down her sleeve. She smiled at her daddy when he walked in, "Finn wants to speak to you.."

"Oh.." She whispered, she had been pushing him away for weeks now. It wasn't that she didn't love him but he held her back, he tried to make her eat and he was the only one who could make her feel guilty for not doing so. He cried, he begged, and when he did she had no idea what to do, she hated feeling the obligation to eat, so she stopped seeing him. But today, she wanted him, she watched to reach out and touch him, to have him hold her in his strong arms, to hear his voice telling her that one day it might be okay. She needed him and she wanted to be told she was something to someone, she needed to hear him say she was beautiful.

She nodded, walking past both her dads to go down the stairs and see him in the sitting room, "I want to show you something." Finn whispered, taking her hand in his as he lead her out of the door, turning around to grin at her dads before walking down the path. She didn't notice him getting out his phone and pressing send, walking next to him without saying a word.

"Where are we going?" She finally asked, it was the first time Finn had heard her speak in so long, and the surprise on his face didn't go unnoticed by the girl. She didn't understand why, it had only been a month since she saw him. Finn stared at her, her small voice reminding him of a lost child's, she needed help even if she didn't admit it.

"It's a surprise."

She sighed, "Does this surprise include food?" Her eyes widened with fear at being forced to do something she hated, going to walk backwards. Finn smiled, taking her hand again and pulling her towards him,

"No, it does not.. I promise. How are you?" She looked up at him and shrugged, "I think I'm okay.. you?"

"I'm better now that I'm seeing you." He said, kissing her softly on the lips, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. He was scared about hugging her too tight, afraid she would break. He kissed her on the forehead, stroking her hair, ignoring the way some strands fell out. "I am so sorry." He whispered, as she looked up at him, looking scared and confused.

"What?" Then as they turned the corner she saw all of them – the Glee club, Mr Shue.. and then.. a doctor. She shook her head, "Why would you do this to me?"

"I wanted to help you.."

"Help me?" She shrieked, "You just want to make me fat again, don't you? You want me to die, don't you, Finn?"

He shook his head, stepping close to her, "You're dying now!" He shouted back,

"No.. I'm too fat.. I can't die yet.. just a few more pounds..." _Just a few more pounds until I can be happy, just a few more pounds until I'm thin. Rachel, run! Run far, far away where they can't touch us. _She turned around, ready to run, crying out when she saw her dads behind her, both of them shaking their heads.

"You're in on this as well! What the fuck did I do to you to make you all hate me so much?" She sobbed, trying to get out of the grip her dads both had her in, but she was too weak to struggle for too long. She didn't know what else to do, the fight leaving her as she dropped to the floor crying, hoping maybe they would feel sorry for her. "Please don't do this, please.. please leave me alone.. I'm fine, I really am."

She felt Finn wrap his arms around her to hold her as she sobbed, "I am so sorry.. but this is for your own god. You're not getting better, you're only getting worse. I want to make sure you're okay again, I want Rachel back." He whispered,

"I'd rather die than go to hospital." She muttered into his shirt,

"Don't you ever say that.. I love you so much.. please." He felt tears running down his own cheeks, he just wanted to help her, that's why the whole Glee club put as much money together as possible along with the adults to get her into this clinic. It wasn't too far away and they would be able to see her whenever they wanted, he just wanted to help her but he had a bad feeling he had just made it so much worse.

"Finn, it's time to say goodbye." Mr Shue walked up to the two, "Rachel, you have to go okay? You have to go and get some help." She shook her head, clinging onto her boyfriend tighter, who had no idea what to say or do as he lifted her up, wanting to cry harder at how light she actually was.

"No! Finn, don't let them take me away please.. please Finn!" She screamed, trying to get from his arms but he continued walking until she was to tired to fight. It wasn't too long until she was, she hadn't eaten in so long, she didn't have any energy to fight anyone off. "Please.." She whimpered before he put her in the car. The doctor nodded at him, shutting the door as Finn stepped back.

Rachel was too tired to fight the inevitable as she just lay there, sick and tired of fighting everyone all the time. He stepped forward, putting a hand on the car window as she stared at him, the fear clear in her eyes. "I'm sorry." He mouthed, turning to see Quinn sobbing into Puck's shirt, and Rachel's dads trying to comfort each other. They all watched the car drive away, knowing she would be safe, happy they were able to get her there without too much of a battle.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: See last chapters. **

**Warning: Bad language used in this chapter! **

_Rachel's POV_

I lay here waiting, waiting for someone to save me or for someone to realize I don't belong here. I am waiting for someone to notice I don't want to be here. I never wanted to be here, I tried my best to move on from this but it got too hard, everyone just expects me to get better all of a sudden and I did try, I just wanted to make people proud. I don't care now though, nobody even comes to see me, nobody cares about me. It's just me and the voice inside my head right, the one who is doing the exact opposite of what the doctors want – she's getting stronger and stronger every single day. She is the only thing keeping me going right now, she is the only reason I have to live.

I have been refusing to eat since I arrived her, I stupidly believed that they would send me home if I continued, they would get fed up of me like everyone else has and send me to someone else, for someone else to look after me, but no. I woke up this morning with a tube pumping food into my body. I felt like crying when I saw it, the sugary solution inside of it finding it's way to my rolls of fat and trying to make me even fatter.

I stared at the simple device, thinking what would happen if I pulled it out. Nothing could happen, not that I thought. Just a little pull, it wouldn't hurt anyone other than myself.

_Pull it out, Rachel.. just think of all those empty calories. They are breaking everything we made for ourselves, they will shatter our world into tiny pieces and then you will be fat again, do you want that? Do you? _

I shuddered, silently agreeing with the voice. I knew she was right, it was wrong to keep this thing inside of me for as long as it has been, I had to do something about it. I looked around, making sure nobody was around before I yanked it out. I smiled to myself as I watched the blood drip as the needle fell to the floor. I had done something good and worthwhile for the first time, if only they could see my strength – how much it had taken for me to make so little of myself. But no, all they could see was this fat girl who needed to be fatter. They all wanted me to be normal, whatever the hell that means. I don't want to be fat anymore, I just want to be free.. I just want to feel loved.

Slowly, my world faded to black.. I could hear voices around me and I smiled, maybe now this was my time. Maybe I could be free now, free to live the way I wanted. I just want to be alone, I just want everything to be okay again, I just want it all to be a secret.

When I woke up, I noticed the tube again and I groaned loudly – after all my hard work to get it out, the ruined it.

_Pull it back out, they can't do anything about it. The will get fed up soon, they will give up on you like everyone else and let you go home. _

I nodded, trying to lift my arms to pull it out once more, staring at my arms in shock when they wouldn't move. I froze when I realized why – restraints.. how dare they? I didn't even do anything wrong, I didn't deserve this. I cried out for someone to get them off of me, I just wanted the tube out, why wouldn't anyone help me?

I gave up in the end, lifting my head to try and bite it off, I had to stop it all getting into me. I was only thinking about getting out out of me – as long as I didn't have it polluting my blood then I wouldn't gain weight and I wouldn't get fat again; simple, right?

"Don't." I heard someone speak from the door, I looked up at the person standing there and shook my head, tears falling as I pleaded with her to help me. "Just leave it alone." Quinn whispered, walking into the room.

"Why?"

"Because we love you and we don't want anything to happen to you."

"Nothing is going to happen me." I whispered,

"Just leave it alone." She repeated,

"It hurts too much, please get it out, please help me.. please." I noticed the look in her eyes, how dark they were and how much pain could be seen in them. Was it because of me? "Please." I whimpered, crying out when she shook her head.

"No, just don't try and pull it out."

I lost it then, "I can't fucking pull it out, can I? I hate you! I hate all of you. Just get out of here, leave me the fuck alone. Just get this stupid thinking thing out of me and let me go home. I don't want to be here.. just.. fuck off!" I screamed as loud as I could, my throat felt dry and sore when I finally calmed myself down.

"You know what, we will all leave you alone if that's what you really want, but you are not leaving here until you are better." 

"I want to die.. let me die." I whispered,

"At this rate, Rachel.. you will die pretty soon." I watched her run from the room as tears ran down her face, I looked away from the door and refused to let myself cry. Good, I told myself, I want to die. It was the only way out. I want to be alone, I was never left alone. If it wasn't the voice, it would be my friends, my family or Finn. I just want to be alone and safe.

Half an hour after Quinn ran out, a doctor came in. I didn't want to see anyone, and he was the bottom of my list. He was one of those people, the ones who tried to force feed me, the liars, the one who wanted me to eat again so I could fit into a society they deemed as being normal. I didn't care anymore about anything or anyone. "Rachel, look at me."

I rolled my eyes and turned to glare at him, "You need to start eating, you don't want to die, do you?" He asked gently, I shrugged,

"May as well." He looked at the tube of fat – yes, I renamed it.

"You're putting a lot of pressure on your heart, the weaker your body gets then the weaker that vital muscle becomes, and one day it will give in." I shook my head, not even caring.

"What is your point?" I replied, trying to sit up, giving up quickly when I realized I was still too weak.

"You've lost more weight, you're lighter than you were when you came into our care and we don't know what to do."

"So... I can go home?"

"No.. if you continue like this, you will be sedated at all times, while we force feed you using an NG tube.. do you know what that is, Rachel?" I shook my head, "NG means Nastro Gastric.. it's a tube that is inserted into your nose, giving you the essential nutrients you need to stay alive. It will help you gain weight quicker." I could feel my heart beating faster, I was panicking, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want that, I want to be alone. "You have to try and eat."

I shook my head, "You don't understand, none of you do. I want to try.. but I can't."

"Why not?"

"I don't know.. I don't want it enough." He sighed and shook his head,

"We want to help you but you need to get it into your head – we are not the enemy." I felt the tears fall down my face as I nodded, I didn't want to be force fed and for the first time, I didn't want to die.

"Please.. h-help me.." I whispered, finally.

"How do you want us to do that?"

"Make her go away.."

"Who is she?" He pressed me gently, never losing that patronising smile and tone of voice,

"The voice.. in my head.. she won't leave me alone. I just want her to go away, I want to be happy again."

"We can help you with that but you will have to help yourself as well. You need to start eating.."

"She won't let me.. I'm scared." I sounded so child-like, I sounded terrified and I knew for once, the man believed me.

"We will start with the thoughts then, okay? We will work on them first, before focusing on the eating side of things.. does that sound safe?" I nodded, trying to stop the tears falling. And then I felt it. I cried out in pain, grabbing the sheets that lay beneath my hands, trying to think past the pain, instead focusing on the beeping in my ear. Then I realized what the beeping was.

_My heart machine. _

I could feel my world going black, then nothing. No voice, no little girl, nobody. I was finally at peace. I was finally alone, just like I had always wanted. And for the first time, I realized I didn't want it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

Finn slowly walked into the choir room, he held his head down as he tried to think of what to say. If anyone was looking closely enough, they would be able to tell he had been crying. They all looked up the moment they saw him, knowing something was wrong, they saw the tears forming in his eyes again and he saw a tear running down Kurt's face already as the boy jumped to conclusions.

"She's okay.. I think." He finally said, taking a deep breath.

"What is wrong then?" Mercedes asked, frowning,

"R-Rachel.." The tears began all over again, Kurt looked terrified as he gripped onto Blaine's hand as tight as he possibly could. "She went into cardiac arrest this morning." He looked at the tears falling down the Glee club members faces, and he shook his head. "She is stable now, her heart stopped for a while but they managed to get her back. She hasn't woken up yet.. I just came to ask if anyone wants to come see her with me." Everyone nodded apart from Kurt, who was clearly more upset than those around him.

"I left her there when she begged me to help her." He whispered, "She asked me for help and I walked out of there. She told me she wanted to die and I never helped her. I just left her." Blaine wrapped an arm around his boyfriend, and rubbed his back,

"It's okay, Rachel isn't in the right state of mind at the moment and you were upset." He whispered, as the rest of the club nodded all in silence.

"Come on, she needs us now." The drive there was quiet, nobody knew what to say. They all wondered about Rachel, and if she was okay, and how she would be when she woke up. They were all thinking about how she used to be, Finn smiled as he remembered spending time with her.

_Finn and Rachel were walking, eating their ice cream (Rachel's was vegan, of course), hand in hand. He grinned as he pulled her towards him, only for the romantic move to backfire when she crashed into him, her ice cream splattering all down his top. He gasped as she laughed loudly, "You uh.. you should really watch where you're going." She smirked._

"_Oh, you really want to take me on?" He looked down at the stain before stepping towards her, putting his finger in his own ice cream before putting it on her nose. _

"_Bad move." She laughed and ran away from him, giggling when he ran after her, finally they stopped when he caught up to her, wrapping his arm around her waist, pulling her in and kissing her gently. She stopped suddenly, and looked away from him shyly. She put her hand in his as they continued walking, happy to just be together. _

Finn smiled at the memory, he loved her so much, even then. So early on in the relationship he knew he loved her. Rachel was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he wished he could have helped her sooner. He could have told her she was perfect. "What are you thinking about?" Quinn whispered, looking at him.

"Just something Rachel and I did a while ago, when we started dating again." Quinn nodded and bit her lip,

"She loves you so much."

"What happened?" Brittany asked, curious to hear the story,

"We were just messing around, walking around the mall.. we were eating ice cream." Tears fell down his face when he mentioned Rachel eating, she wouldn't eat in front of him or anyone else anymore. "She got it down on my top and then I was messing around.. put some on her nose... she was just so happy, we laughed for ages. She was amazing and she still is but back then, even though it wasn't ages ago.. we could have a laugh and I never had to worry about her dropping dead at any moment." His grip tightened on the wheel, as Quinn put a hand on his arm.

"It's okay, we'll be there for her.. she will get better." He nodded, calming down a little, he hated remembering what she used to be like. Wondering if she would ever be the same person again.

"She can get better, you know." Kurt spoke up, his voice broken. "She needs us."

"Will she ever be Rachel again?" Brittany whispered, as Santana grabbed her hand,

"Of course, we'll have Berry back with us soon. But it will take time." They all looked up, all hoping she would get better. They loved her so much, they couldn't lose her, not to this. They rushed into the hospital finally, looking for Rachel's room. They had all been here so often they knew where it was, they looked outside at first before entering just in case her fathers or someone else was already there with here. Once they saw the coast clear, they all smiled at each other before walking in.

"Hey, Rachel." Finn whispered to the sleeping girl, "I missed you.. I don't want anything to happen to you. Please, Rachel." He began to cry when he held her hand in his, smiling down at her, "I love you so much." He whispered as he smoothed the hair from her eyes.

A doctor came in shortly after they arrived, as they all spoke quietly amongst themselves, "You must be Rachel's friends."

"Yeah.. um.. how is she?" Kurt asked, biting down on his lip.

"She is stable at the moment but it was a close call. She could have died and she almost did.. I was kind of hoping she would be awake by now." Finn shook his head, looking down at the girl. "I was speaking with her.. we were getting somewhere. She wasn't lying about wanting to recover, I could tell that much. She asked for my help, she was upset at the time. She told me she wanted to eat but the voice wouldn't let her.. she finally admitted she had a problem, and that is the first step to recovery. Then she asked me if the voice would ever go away... and before I could answer, her heart machine began to go off." He sighed,

"Because she is so thin, her heart has weakened under all the pressure and it gave in. She suffered a severe cardiac arrest, it took us a few minutes to get her heart beating again and that is why she is on oxygen right now, we're not sure if there was any brain damage and we won't know until she wakes up."

And on cue, Rachel began to wake up as the doctor ran to her to help her with her breathing tube, quickly getting a nurse to help him replace the tube with a new one for her nose, just to make sure she could speak. "F-Finn?" She croaked, looking at him,

"Hey, baby... I was so worried about you." She nodded, muttering an apology before looking at his hand which grabbed onto hers. "I love you."

"I love you, too." She whispered, "I don't want to do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"This.. any of it."

"Do you want to recover?" He grinned when she nodded, looking up at the Glee club as they all shared his smile.

"I miss the real me." She whispered sadly, he nodded in agreement and carefully wrapped his arms around her.

"I will help you." She nodded and hugged him back, murmuring a thank you as she held onto him even tighter.

_You are going to lose me, Rachel, you think you don't care now but imagine a life without me. Imagine who you will be without me, you will be nothing. I am your everything and without me you are nothing. Don't you stop thinking about me.. don't wish I was not here. No, Rachel.. stay with me! _

Rachel sat alone in her hospital room the next day, wondering what would happen to her now. She knew she had to recover, and she knew she wanted to recover but she didn't know how she could. She knew the voice wouldn't give up and go away, and she wasn't sure how to live without it. She sighed, looking around the room, she had been here for so long, she was getting used to it. Maybe this would be her life from now on, maybe this is how things were meant to be.

Finn watched his girlfriend from the door, she had no idea he was there. He just liked to stand there and watch her sometimes, he couldn't help but think she would be so much better off without him. He worried about holding her back, if he was the one who began this. Maybe she would recover without him, she didn't need him. He sighed, walking away from the room, he just needed a break from everything – even the girl he loved.

The Glee club sat in the waiting room with Shelby, all of them looking down at the floor, "What can we do?" Quinn whispered, as she remembered a similar experience to Kurt's the last time she had visited Rachel – the girl had begged her, cried, sobbed.. and she had done nothing but walk off. She felt tears run down her face again,

"It'll be okay.. go speak to her.. I'm sure everything will be okay between you two, Quinn.." Santana whispered, grabbing her hand before watching the other girl get up, walking to the room slowly.

"Hey." She muttered as she walked in, Rachel grinned and sat up in her bed, greeting her kindly. She wrapped her arms around the tiny girl, the girl who had been so happy once, the girl that always had a bounce in her step, a grin on her face and a sparkle in her eyes. And now there was none of that, the smile never reached her eyes, the sparkle was now just a dim light, she couldn't walk without collapsing, she just wasn't Rachel anymore.

"I am so sorry for what I said to you before." Quinn whispered,

"No.. I was being unreasonable.. you were right."

"I love you so much.. you're like.. one of my best friends." She smiled and bit down on her lip, "I want you to get better.. I want the old, annoying Rachel back. And I will help you however I can."

"Quinn.. I don't know what to do anymore." A lone tear slid down Rachel's face, dropping down onto the covers, "I am so scared of losing everything I have made for myself but I am scared of losing everything else.. everyone else." 

"You don't need to be scared, look.. you've lost so much weight that you're here in a hospital room. You are stuck in this hospital bed because you are too weak to move. You need this Rachel, you need help and you need to recover. I promise you that losing everything you have made yourself is not a bad thing.. it's a good thing.. a great thing. We all love you, we really do but we miss the old you." She took a deep breath,

"We miss the Rachel who would dance her way around a stage, the Rachel who would offer us criticism on our singing.." She rolled her eyes and laughed a little, "We miss you. Please, let yourself live again."

"I know I have to recover, I don't know how though."

"You will soon, it's going to take some time.. but we're all going to get through this."

"Where's Shelby?" Rachel whispered, chewing on her bottom lip as Quinn shook her head,

"She is.. she can' see you like this..."

"I don't blame her.. I'm.. this is too hard.. too much." Quinn nodded, trying to understand how Shelby could stay away from Rachel for so long now.

"It's okay though.. because when you get out of here, you're coming to stay with me."

"What? Why?"

"Your dads are worried they won't be able to fully support you because of their jobs, they don't want you to be left along because they know they can't help it." Rachel shook her head and sighed,

"I can't do that to you."

"You're my best friend and my mother doesn't mind..."

A nurse walked in and smiled kindly at the two girls, "Sorry, you have to leave now. Rachel's first counselling session is in five minutes." Quinn nodded before giving the girl a quick hug, quickly walking out.

~ .. ~

Rachel was sat up in her bed when the psychologist walked in. She was a short woman, of healthy weight and she was pretty. She was younger than the clothes she wore and when she walked in, she grinned and if there was something Rachel hated – it was fakers. She had done enough of the show grins to last her a lifetime, she had no idea if she could stand others doing it to her.

She didn't want to be here, she didn't want this woman telling her how to recover and why she should. She could feel herself begin to panic, hearing the heart machine going off again causing her to panic even more. She could see a nurse running to her side, trying to calm her down and then Kurt ran in – much to Rachel's delight. She could feel herself calming down, Kurt could help her, he wouldn't smile at Rachel when he knew nothing would be alright. He wouldn't lie.

"Calm down, sweetie." He whispered as he rubbed her back, smiling when Rachel's heart machine went back to normal pace, but the girl still clung onto him as tight as she could. "Thank you." She whispered, not noticing the psychologist observing the scene in front of her.

"Kurt, is it?" He nodded, smoothing down Rachel's hair as he fussed over her, "Maybe you should stay here while Rachel and I talk. Would you like that Rachel? Would it make you feel better?" Rachel just nodded, finally letting go of the boy.

"Okay.. so, how about we start with why you do this?" Rachel just shrugged, staring at the wall in front of her, she didn't know herself, how in the hell did this woman expect her to know? "Now this is going to be hard, I accept that. Most people have no idea why they are the way they are and why they do this to themselves but this is what I am here for."

Rachel didn't say anything, she didn't even look away from the wall. She felt Kurt squeeze her hand, and she turned to look at him, sighing. "Rachel, in order for me to help you, you have to help yourself. And a good start will be to talk to me."

"I know, but I don't know why, or when this began. I have two gay dads who have been amazing, a mom.. a mom who walked out on me..." She heaved a deep sigh, she had no idea what she could say about her life, there was nothing much to say.

"It's okay.. we won't be seeing each other for another two days so I need you to write everything in this diary." She handed Rachel a small, purple book and Rachel took it, confused. "Just write anything you feel, anything you remember, how you feel right now. Write down your dreams." Rachel nodded, looking down at the book.

"And then what?" She whispered,

"I will take a look of it, then we will do it together, we will try and work out why you began starving yourself." She nodded and frowned.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

The next few weeks passed quickly for everything. Rachel was finally doing okay, and was due to be released from hospital soon. It had been arranged that she would stay with Quinn until her fathers deemed her _recovered _enough to go home without constant supervision.

Rachel was still underweight, but no longer in need of a feeding tube. Although, she had been warned that a slight change of a set back, she would be put straight back on. She was doing well though, and everyone could see that, even Rachel. Counselling was doing her some good, she finally accepted that she had to talk to this woman even if she didn't know her. She had helped her discover the initial causes of her anorexia, and by knowing this she was _supposed _to get through that to begin with, before tackling the actual disease itself.

Rachel sighed, looking down at the diary in her hands as she sat up in her hospital bed, there was one diary entry she could remember too well and it wouldn't leave her mind no matter how much she tried to think of something else. She flicked it over to that page, tears falling down her face as she read it over and over again, trying to make sense of the entry.

_Dear Diary, _

_I had a weird dream last night, it's a dream that I have had too many times before and it never fails to terrify me to the very core. I don't know why, if I am honest with myself, I guess it can be scary if I think about it hard, but I still fail to completely understand. _

_Basically, I am always in this house, although I am never able to place this house to anyone I know, or any memory I have. But nevertheless, it feels like I have been there before. Anyway, I am sitting there on my own when this man comes up to me, he sits next to me and starts talking to me. I feel at ease with him, like I know him, like he's so easy to get along with but I don't know who he is. I don't know his face. He seems calm, and the dream me seemed happy as he spoke. _

_Then he put his arm around me, and I feel okay with it because it's not romantic, but... fatherly. I laugh when he jokes, laugh when he kisses my cheek. And then suddenly, I'm crying as he leaves. I cry forever it seems and then nothing was right anymore... I was outside – you know how scenes change in your dreams all of a sudden – and I was sitting down, crying and everyone was laughing at me, telling me how I have changed and how nobody likes me. Nobody wants me. _

_Then I woke up, thankfully. I still didn't feel alright though, nothing felt right. I don't remember this man at all but I do feel like I know him. He looked scary... bald, bright blue eyes, little stubble which tickled when he kissed my cheek, a large man – in height and width.. I just don't know why I always have this dream.. obviously not the exact same one, I like to think my dreams are more diverse than that. But I always feel the same with him around and I always end up crying. _

_Anyway, I feel okay today I think. The voice is slowly dying, she's leaving me which in a way is good but I want her here sometimes, just to make me feel better and help me to understand some stuff but I think now that I know I will be okay without her one day. I know I wasn't a better person with her around, but sometimes there is just this nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe, with her, I was the person I am meant to be. I just want to forget all of this though, I want to move on with my life. But I guess it will not be that easy. _

_Finn came to see me today! I feel happy when I am with him but something is wrong, he is acting strange. It's like he doesn't want me, doesn't want to be here.. who can blame him? He said I was being stupid when I asked him about it, but I honestly don't believe he loves me anymore, at least not in the same way he used to. I have put way too much strain too early on in the relationship. I mean come on, my family are not handling this very well, imagine how my boyfriend feels. _

_Today is the day we may finally discover why I turned to anorexia when things got too much for me to handle. Maybe I can make all of this go away one day.. I sure hope so. _

She had no idea why, but there was so much more to that dream than others. It was also the first day she thought Finn was going to leave her.. of course, he hadn't... yet. It soon turned out that this man was a family friend, maybe even a family member... he had taken "advantage" of Rachel when she was six years old. The dream was about her being able to trust him, and then crying because she could no longer trust him. She kept remembering people telling her how much she changed after.

Also, because she never had a mother, she never had that mother-daughter relationship she so obviously craved – and of course, that massive fear of people leaving her, had developed quickly. And then there was the control issue, something Rachel always needed but never felt like she had. People had always told her that she never had any control over what was going to happen to her, or anyone else and she set out on the impossible task of proving them wrong. She controlled the secret of her anorexia.

She looked around the room, tears pouring down her face, there were just so many negative feelings just floating around her and none of them had ever been dealt with so in the end, it was just one huge bubble, that had finally burst within her and caused this hideous monster – Anorexia.

After she had discovered that, her dreams of him began to die down and instead, she began to remember what he had done to her. She would deal with it though, with the help of those who loved her. She was so glad to finally know what had happened, it took her so long to overcome the fact that it was not her fault, she didn't ask for this, she didn't force it on herself. She was glad to finally let go of something that held her back for so long.

He childhood had been stolen from her in such a cruel way, and she had grown up way too soon for her own good, and she didn't want the rest of her adolescence, or her adulthood being affected by it as well. She took a look around the room she had called home for the past five months, smiling. She thought about how she got the courage to recover, knowing it would be difficult but at least she could try.

And at least she could look at herself and know that even if she fails at recovering, she tried.

~ .. ~

Rachel had been doing so well in recovery for a while, but then something happened. She didn't even know what, she woke up one morning feeling like she used to. She ran to the mirror and stared at herself, she remembered feeling this way before but this time it came back ten times worse. She was so disgusting and fat, she let herself get like this, she carried on eating and now she was back to where she used to be – actually, worse.

She hated herself right then, she hated how she looked, how she felt. She cried so much that morning and for the first time since her hospital stay, she had cut. She cut deep but not deep enough to need medical care. She didn't know what else to do, her therapist told her a relapse would be expected, but she had never thought it would feel like this. She never wanted to feel this way all over again.

Nothing had triggered the behaviour this time around, yesterday was normal and happy. She had been at school, she had gone to Glee. Then she went to Quinn's house, and they had a girly night in. Rachel spent most of her night texting Kurt and Finn, her and Finn sending sweet nothings to each other. Everything had been perfect.. this was just so _sudden._

She sobbed until Quinn found her, huddled up in a ball while her whole body shook with the sobs that took over her body. "Rachel, what's wrong?" The girl was immediately at her friend's side, her arm on her shoulder as she tried to offer comfort. _NO. NO! We are not going to get caught again, don't you dare, Rachel! _

"Nothing." She muttered numbly, "Just a bad dream." She finished, sniffing.

"About that man?" Rachel nodded, feeling bad for lying about something she knew she shouldn't but she needed to succeed this time and she didn't want anyone to discover this. She knew she could not fail this time around.

She managed to calm down after a while, enough to smile at the other girl, wanting her to believe that everything was okay, it was perfect. Quinn smiled back and let her be, telling her breakfast would be ready soon. Rachel just nodded and spent the next ten minutes thinking of ways to get out of this. _Throw it up afterwards? Wait half an hour until it was too late? _She shook her head, Judy would get suspicious, she would make her stay and eat and she would be late for school.

"Hey, do you want toast?" Rachel shook her head,

"I don't feel too good." She whispered, looking down at the floor. She felt as though she was about to cry, and she really wanted to burst into tears and beg them to take her back to the hospital right there and then but she held herself together, she was supposed to be strong.

"You look a bit pale.. did you eat last night?" Rachel nodded, remembering what she had put into her body last night, all the fat and the calories. She hadn't gotten rid of anything in so long, no wonder she was so fat. No wonder the numbers on the scales kept going up so quickly.

"She did, mom." Quinn assured the woman, smiling at Rachel.

"I feel sick." The brunette finally said – it wasn't a lie, she actually did feel sick. Nothing she couldn't handle, but still.. she wasn't going to eat and that was that, she told herself.

"Okay, but you will have to have extra lunch if you feel better, okay?" Rachel nodded and hugged Judy,

"It's probably because of the bad dream.. I sometimes feel a bit sick after them." The woman nodded slowly, unsure of what to do as she looked at the girl. "Okay, sweetie." She finally said, kissing both of the girls heads before they walked out to go to school.

Rachel didn't go to lunch that day. She didn't go to Glee, she didn't go to her last lessons after lunch. She didn't return home at all that night.

Judy phoned the police and then the hospital, informing them of what was going on, trying to make sure the girl had a place to go if this was what everyone thought it was. As soon as Rachel came back, they would have to assess her mental state and then see if she needed to go back. Her counsellor quickly called back and she came around the next day, asking questions to figure out why this happened. They all know Rachel would have to come home at some point.

She returned the next evening, nibbling her lip as she entered the house. She knew what they would have done, she knew the hospital would have been called and she would have to explain herself to people. "Where the hell were you?" Puck was the first to the girl, looking her up and down to see if she was okay.

"Around." She shrugged, Quinn just stared at her and shook her head,

"What happened?"

Rachel looked down at the floor, muttering a simple, "Nothing."

"Yes it did.. when you were crying before.. it wasn't because of a dream, was it?"

"Yes it was."

"No.. you heard 'her' again, didn't you? You've not eaten, have you?" Rachel laughed a cold laugh, and Quinn stared at her best friend in pain and in shock.

"Why the fuck do you even care?"

"I care a lot, Rachel.. you need to get help, we're not going to let this happen again."

Rachel just shook her head, putting on that famous show smile, "I'm fine." Her eyes had darkened over; they had just begun to sparkle again but now they had gone back to that glazed over look she had maintained throughout the first time around. Her voice was distant, as though she wasn't there anymore.

"The doctors are on their way." Judy finally whispered, she had gone into the kitchen to make the phone call, even though she had not known the girl very long, she could see the change in the girl – it was as though she been possessed.

Rachel looked around the room, her eyes wide with terror when she finally broke down, falling to the ground, "N-no.. don't send me back, please."

"We won't have to if you stop doing this to yourself, don't let her take over again, Rachel." Kurt sat next to her, rubbing her back as he cried too.

"I'm so sorry.. I don't know what happened. I don't want her back, make her go away again." Quinn sat on the other side of the girl and wrapped her arms around her as Kurt played with her hair.

"It's going to be okay, the sooner we get this sorted, the sooner you can get through this."

"I won't be there for long then?" Quinn shook her head and sighed,

"I promise you... it's good that you came back home. If you had come back sooner, we could have helped you sooner. You know that the sooner we catch onto these relapses, the easier it will be for you to get back on track to recovery."

Rachel nodded, sobbing harshly into the girls chest as her body shook, "I want to be okay."

"You will be okay again one day," Kurt whispered, playing with her hair still, "It's going to take time."

They sat in silence until Finn came in, asking to speak to Rachel until the doctors came to take her away. She sighed and stood up, going with him – she knew he wasn't happy with the sudden set back, but she wasn't prepared for what was to come. She never could have expected this.

He took her outside and carried on walking down a little bit, she followed him slowly, unsure of what to do or say to him. He looked angry, and she knew what his temper was like, but at the same time, he looked upset. They finally got to the end of the street and he stopped, she caught up with him and tried to smile.

"What is it, Finn?" He shook his head and looked at her, taking her hands in his, looking her in the eyes.

"I'm sorry, Rachel.. I can't be with you anymore." 

"W-why not?"

"I can't love someone like you, it hurts too much."

"I'm sorry, Finn! I can stop.. I can try.. please don't leave me."

"I can't do this anymore, I love you but I don't want to watch you do this to yourself. I can't.. it's all too hard."

She reached out for his hand when he yanked his away from her, "No.. please.. I can't do this anymore, either. I will try so hard, please don't leave me."

"I have to, it's for the best." He walked away, shaking his head as tears poured down his face as he turned one last time to see the fragile girl behind him.

"You promised you would never break up with me! You promised!" She screamed at him, her voice broken as she sobbed. "You promised." She whispered.

He took one last look before running back home, that one last look at the love of his life.

She finally walked back to Quinn's house, sobbing the whole way as her whole body shook. He didn't want her, what would she do without him? How was she going to cope now?

The blonde ran up to her the moment she saw her, "What the hell did he do?" Rachel just shook her head, sobbing harder as she tried to ignore those around her.

"Rachel, tell us." Kurt frowned, watching her wrap her arms around herself, slowly going back into her shell.

"He broke up with me." She whispered finally, looking up at Kurt, Puck and Quinn, noticing the anger and confusion on their faces as they took in the information.

"He did WHAT?" Kurt finally screamed,

"He said he can't be with me anymore because of what I do.. because of who I am." She broke down again, sliding down onto the floor.

"Fuck.. I'm going to kill him." Puck muttered, clenching his fists, as he quickly walked off to calm down.

"Leave it.." Rachel finally spoke up, crying harder as she tried to calm herself down. "He's right.. I've put so much strain on our relationship. It's all my fault. He never meant it in a nasty way, he's trying to help me."

Quinn shook her head, "But it's not going to help."

Rachel smiled a little, "It might.. the pressure is gone. There's no point anymore. If he loves me then he will come back, he will know I need him." Quinn sighed and the three people seemed to calm down, wiping the tears from her best friend's eyes, "I love him.. but we both need a break from each other."

"Then hopefully this will all be okay and I won't have to murder him when he's sleeping.." Kurt said, smiling when she got up and laughed,

"Hopefully.. it's time to face the docs." She sighed, hugging her best friends before turning to face the music.

~ .. ~

_Finn's POV_

I don't even understand why I did that.. I actually broke up with the love of my life and then walked away, leaving her there to cry. What kind of fucking idiot does that make me? I felt so horrible, I just kept running as I cried. I had my reasons for leaving her – not one of them being because I don't love her. I love her more than anything else in the world, she is amazing, beautiful and she can make me laugh when I'm upset. She was the one person I would wake up for, longing to see her face. But I had to let her go.

I didn't even do it because our relationship couldn't handle the strain, I don't think it was ever about that. I loved every last bit of her and her being ill didn't change that. I did it because she needs space, she needs to recover and without me always there, she might get the change. She would still have the Glee club, Judy... her dads. They would all be there for her, they could take care of her. I can only hope that Rachel will understand one day, and maybe forgive me.

I sighed when I got home, looking around the house before running to my bedroom. I didn't want to speak or see anyone. I want Rachel already. I wish I didn't need her so badly, I wish I could let her go for good.

I felt tears fall down my face the minute I close my bedroom door, sinking down onto the ground. I shook as the look on her face flashes into my mind, what if this was no help? What if this made things worse? I know she has to return to the hospital, Quinn had let me know last night when she told me the girl was missing.

Then today, Kurt told me to say it was really bad. I cried when I hung up, hearing that Judy had called the hospital straight away. I know she will be better one day, after everything she has been through, she is still strong. She can only get stronger. I wonder if she is at the hospital yet, maybe she's crying.. or maybe she's relieved that she can get away... get away from me. Maybe she was happy to get help again, she didn't want this life anymore, right? I don't think she does, I think she wants to recover.

"_Finn, I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to hurt myself. I am trying to hard to recover, but sometimes I can still hear her." Rachel was cuddled up to Finn on the grass, he kissed her gently on the forehead and held her even closer. _

"_She will go away sometime, you just have to keep with recovery. One day she will leave you alone, once she realizes you don't want or need her anymore. Everyone loves you so much, and yes it's hurting us all but that is only because we all love you, we want you to be okay again and you will be one day."_

_She smiled and wiped away her tears, "I love you so much." She whispered, snuggling into his strong chest, he grinned and looked at her. _

"_I love you more than you could ever imagine, Rachel." She laughed and they both lay there until she fell asleep in his arms. _

It was true, I did love her more than she or anyone else could ever imagine. She was the only girl for me and I hope she will realize that one day, and maybe I can get a chance to explain this to her one day. Hopefully, she will understand.

That night, I fell asleep holding one of my favorite pictures of us.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: See last chapters. **

Rachel was being released from the hospital again, it had only been a week this time, focusing on mental stability rather than weight. Although, she was still underweight, she knew it was something she could change a lot easier than she could change her mind set. She knew she had to recover this time around, she finally felt ready and she knew she always had people to help her, and this place to go to when she needed help.

Rachel grinned at the thought of leaving that place, even though she hadn't been there for so long this time around, it was still an amazing feeling of accomplishment as she walked through the doors. She knew – as well as everyone else did – that she wasn't there yet, but she was closer than she ever had been. While she was in there, she decided that she was going to recover whether she liked it or not.. or rather, if the voice liked it or not.

She knew she could not live like this for the rest of her life. Being thin wasn't everything, it didn't have to be her main focus. She was never bothered about it before – she had focused on health, living a long life, before all of this. She wanted recovery this time more than she did before, she was going to get it as well because whatever Rachel Berry put her mind to, Rachel Berry did.

Shelby was on her own to pick her up, and at first she found herself wondering if her friends hated her because she had failed them but she knew that even they wouldn't change their minds that quickly, as they had spent over ten hours there the day before, singing to her.

She smiled at her mother and got in the car, "Where's Quinn?" She asked, looking at the older woman,

"She said she had homework to do." Rachel noticed the hesitation in her voice and sighed, nodding her head sadly, "She wanted to come.. but I wouldn't let her."

Rachel smiled, "How are you?" She asked, grinning as she did so – she felt a lot like the old Rachel this time around, the woman laughed at the girl and shook her head,

"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?"

"Everyone asks me it all the time, I thought it would be a nice change to ask someone else."

"I'm good, how about you?" Rachel just nodded and smiled, "Glad to be going home?" She nodded again, tears glazing her eyes as she thought about it.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, noticing Shelby glance at her as she watched the usually strong girl break,

"Why?"

"I've done this to everyone.. I know you don't need to put up with this."

"I don't need to, but I will because I love you and the rest of the Glee club... I feel as though all of you are my own, and you are mine.. I want to be here for you." Rachel wiped her tears, biting her lip.

"Thank you.. I.. I think of you as my mom now, instead of my _mother. _My dads.. they can't cope with stuff like this. They barely managed when I got my period, or when I got my heart broke. My daddy saw his sister go through it when they were younger, I should have known how much it would hurt them.. but.. I have you to go to when things get too hard." She smiled a little as her mom nodded and patted her hand,

"You will always have me, Rachel."

~ .. ~

The club had waited ages for Rachel to get home, Quinn sighing the most as she got more and more impatient with the two. "She's behind schedule." She muttered, tapping her mobile phone as she looked at the time.

"It doesn't matter." Puck laughed as he wrapped an arm around her waist,

"Yes it does, we have a specific timetable for everything tonight. Everything has to be perfect." Artie and Mike looked at each other, both of them laughing as they rolled their eyes.

"I am sure Rachel will just appreciate the thought." Santana finally said, ignoring the two boys. Quinn just nodded and began pacing back and forth. Everyone had been there a while ago, and they were all waiting for the moment they could hide. She had a surprise waiting for Rachel upstairs, too.. and she knew that would probably be the highlight of the whole party for her newly turned best friend.

Finally, the key turned in the door and she saw Shelby walking through, everyone quickly hid and Brittany began to giggle, as Santana tried to shut her up. Quinn just stood in the middle of the room, watching as Rachel looked at her curiously, wondering what was going on before everyone jumped out.

Quinn couldn't help but grin at the happiness on the girls face as she was surrounded by all her friends, hugging them all one by one before she got to Quinn, wrapping her arms tight around her. "We know you're going to get through this." She whispered to the girl, rubbing her back.

"Thanks Quinn.. you're the best."

"This wasn't my idea... I wanted a small meeting in the choir room or something, but someone insisted otherwise."

"Who?" Rachel frowned, confusion evident in her eyes as she looked around at her friends,

"Look behind you, Rachel." Quinn grinned as she pointed at a person standing behind the brunette, laughing when she turned around with pure joy in her eyes once she saw him. She smiled at him and he grinned back, "Go on!" Quinn whispered in her hair, pushing her towards the vacant hallway where Finn Hudson stood.

He looked at her as she slowly walked towards him, finally reaching him. He couldn't keep the smile of his face as he grabbed her and kissed her with as much passion as he could manage, wanting her to know how much he loved her, needing her to know that no matter what, his feelings never changed.

"I am so sorry." He said as she shook her head,

"No.. I understand why you did it and thank you." He hugged her tight, never wanting to let her go and then the music suddenly turned off. Rachel turned around and saw her friends getting into a group, smiling at her confusion until she turned around and noticed him on his knee.

"_Don't say no, no, no, no.. just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.. _

_and we'll go, go, go, go, go.. if you're ready like I'm ready. _

_It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do. _

_Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you." _

She barely heard the song as she concentrated on the boy in front of her, tears running down her face already as she saw him pull out a box from his jacket pocket. She felt herself turning red as he opened it, revealing a small, star shaped diamond ring. She loved how he knew the perfect ring to get her. She laughed when he opened his mouth to speak, shaking her head to try and reassure him.

He grinned his beautiful smile and she laughed again, not realizing she was shaking until he grabbed her hand, "Rachel.. I love you so much. I want to show you just how much and I would love to spend the rest of my life with you.. this is why I want to ask you to marry me. So, will you do me the honor of being my wife?"

She smiled and nodded, "I would love to, Finn." He put the beautiful ring on her finger, and got up, kissing her on the lips with so much more passion, and love than before – although at the time, she had thought it to be impossible. He put his thumbs up to Quinn as she began to clap, everyone joining in as they both turned to face them. Rachel beamed wider than she ever had before and pulled Finn to the rest of the group to show off the ring,.

She looked at Finn and grabbed his hand, she loved him and he loved her. She knew they would make it through, recovery would be a long and hard process but she knew that she had those she loved so much, and those who would keep her sane during the good times and the bad times. She knew her and Finn would be forever, and even though things would get hard, they would make it through. Because she loved him, and he loved her.

_Fin. _


End file.
